Robert (gurdonark) wrote,

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in my personal hell

We are all chaffeur-driven in long SUV limousines, which sideswipe bicyclists without remorse, and whose radios are constantly set on misogynist raps. We are escorted into loud, smoky bars, where women in stiletto heels tell us that we should not wear glasses, as they make us look intellectual.

In the afterlife we learn all the secrets we failed to "get" on the earthly plane--"coach WAS always right", "you WILL go to hell for this", and "if you keep your head in a book all day, you'll never get ANYWHERE". Except Hell really is somewhere, sort of.

In Hell the cubicles are identical, and desktop figurines are forbidden. Virtually everything is forbidden in Hell, except team spirit. In Hell there is so much team spirit we all groan in unison. Data entry is really big in Hell, but the commute takes longer than the work day. Television in Hell is really not that different than television on earth.

In Hell, one always gets to have the last word, and then has nausea afterward. In Hell, one can be a true pioneer, plunging aimlessly through the brambles. In Hell, family values are important, and sold on the open marketplace as often as possible. In Hell, all social problems, for that matter, are trusted to an open and free market. Psychologists in Hell focus a lot on dreams, because Hell produces some impressive nightmares.

Britney Spears is very big in Hell, and all the losers there say:
"man, she is HOT". In Hell, Audrey Hepburn stars in the life of
Jennifer Love Hewitt on the Hellishlifetime Channel. In Hell, people love Mall Rats and hate Dogma. Aside from films, though, dogma is pretty popular. Hell has more churches than anywhere other than Las Vegas. They have charming pederast preachers who preach a lot of fire and brimstone. Gambling is legal in Hell--but the odds are damned favorable to the house.

The smokestacks in Hell are pungent, but the odor reminds some people of cigars, and others of old shoes in the rain. In Hell everyone is really good at a quick retort, but nobody remembers to kiss a loved one goodbye. In Hell, everyone can draw, but all the pictures look the same. Culture Club released its 50th album, but the band members are all fourteen year olds now, prefabricated like Menudo.

Hell is filled with certainties and cutting wit. In Hell, she told you so, and didn't you realize it could never be? In Hell, the Republicans win every election, but anarchists knock out the air conditioning all the time.

I dreamed I woke up in Hell, but it turned out it was only CNN.
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