Robert (gurdonark) wrote,
Robert
gurdonark

research notes: The Threshold

I write in the name of science in defense of dogs.

My research, assiduously conducted through the use of stray anecdotal observations conducted under the most rigorously casual observation through decades of daily living, indicates that dogs have a threshold, which we, in scientific terms, assign the term "The Threshold".

In the laboratory conditions of our postage-stamp backyard, my minute observation, conducted with the established "stray glances without system" method utilized by so many fellow scientists, provides me with ample data upon which to postulate certain constant limitations upon The Threshold.

The Threshold, of course, refers to the point that a dog, like a tea kettle, reaches the boiling point. The main difference between a dog and a tea kettle, of course, is that a heated tea kettle, adequately encumbered with water, emits a whistle, while a dog, adequate encumbered with provocation, crosses The Threshold and emits a series of barks. The fact that dogs come when called via whistle and that bark is frequently incorporated into a chocolate delight served with tea merely shows the way in which science and nature are interlocking and amazing systems.

Numerous authorities disagree as to whether a dog can ever be held below the boiling point on a fine Spring morning when the universe conspires to fill it with a Threshold-endangering joy.

Today I announce a theorem so clever I must consider it nearly proven.

This theorem is:

"When one squirrel is provocatively running atop the wooden fence, this has a one hundred percent chance of causing a dog to cross The Threshold, resulting in an understandable series of energetic barks".

I think that this will revolutionize the canine experience by reducing the disciplining of lovable dogs who, otherwise, might be blamed for barking at 7 in the morning.

Now those dogs will be able to pull out my scientific thesis, say "see, bucky pal, it's just my nature, like a scorpion's", and escape discipline.

Having established this scientific fact through rigorous observation, I am ready to tackle further details about grackles, Uther Pendragon and flax seed.
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