Robert (gurdonark) wrote,

Dear Friend from Overseas who poses as Paypal

I hope I do not take an undue liberty when I write you this personal note, rather than, as you ask, clicking upon the link you so graciously provide in your e mail. I've followed your progress with interest, you see, since you first began sending me these missives. I admit I am guilty of feeling that people on the internet are real people, and not merely illusions eluding my conscious grasp.

I want to compliment you, as an initial matter, upon your chioce of vendor with which you purportedly seek to leave me the impression that my paypal account has been used to fund. After all, who would not want to buy merchandise from "Debbie's RC"? I personally would "see" Debbie's radio-controlled cars, and "raise" her a radio-controlled submersible boat, a radio-contolled robot bat, and perhaps even a radio-controlled orbiting Hubble space telecope. I therefore salute your genius in presenting me with a phishing expedition worthy of the catch. It is not faux broccoli but a faux worm which the angler fish utilizes to lure its prey.

I must raise a major quibble with you, however. The term "Debbie's RC" evokes for me any of a wide variety of toys so cool that anyone would want to paypal funds to buy them. Yet, among these choices as nearly infinite as the proverbial hordes of typing monkeys employed by the Apple Corporation in the iTunes DRM division, I must admit that the choice of merchandise I find least scintillating is the one you chose, to wit:

"The InStep® "My Caddy" push cart".

I ask you, as a preliminary matter, just who in the world purchses "The InStep® "My Caddy" push cart"? Is it a device for toddlers? Does it meet the needs of the geriatric set? The words evoke for me the image of toddling, at life stage 1 or life stage 7, if you'll pardon a literary reference more commmon to a different form of spam.

I do not spend one hundred and twenty nine dollars and ninety nine cents lightly. When I do spend them, I can assure you that that quantity of gold dublooons is expended on something substantially more appealing than:

"The InStep® "My Caddy" push cart".

Here, I must confess, I believe that your entire phishing approach is flawed. After all, you hope that I will click the link in protest, unleashing viral malware into my system. But really, it's almost as if you sent me an e mail which said "You just bought Kazahstan from Jozef Stalin, click here if you do not agree". See my point? Extra points for imagination, but a failing grade on plausibility.

I suppose I should be grateful, because you have not phished with terms such as "five dollar nikona digital camera", "last year's technology" or "freeware plug-in that makes your sequencer sound like Morricone's whistling sounds in old Clint Eastwood films". After all, if you are going to be a fraud, you might as well be a poor one. Frauds, they say, are the nicest people, and
the meek inherit the earth, so your place in Heaven will be lovely and remunerative, I hope.

I also must admit a personal sin. You see, one heterodoxy from which I suffer is the heterodoxy of universalism. I tend to think we all are saved, when I am not instead thinking that the question itself is the wrong question to ask. But when I read e mails such as yours, sent spam-wise to millions of people in hopes of finding half a dozen of sufficient mental challlenges to be defrauded so simply, I imagine that perhaps Hell has its utilitarian purposes for things other than correction of violent souls. Then I feel guilty for sending casual frauds to perdition.

Fortunately, I can see damnation as less a place than a state of being. Have you found your inner demon and longed to grapple with it by radio control? I hope somedaya you do. In the meantime, I'll keep cleaning my in-box, and you keep struggling toward the light. I hope that when you find it, you turn out to be a handsome sea monkey indeed.

With the warmest RC regards,


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