Robert (gurdonark) wrote,

The Gurdonark Warranty

This is a limited warranty issued to readers of this journal.

It is issued in the form of a binding legal commitment, but, like many erstwhile warranties, written by large law firm lawyers who should know better, has no effective force and effect outside the cyberverse, except that, unlike most warranties I buy these days, no irritating pop-ups will appear in connection with this warranty.

Gurdonark HEREBY warrants that:

1. Readers of this journal shall not be bonded in holy matrimony with any on-line websites designed to misappropriate your secret "I hate my job" posts and sell them to "Who has a Secret Crush on His/Her Boss?" websites.

2. Where possible, Gurdonark shall refrain from posting quiz results, even when, as is usual, Gurdonark pleasingly gets named Bjork or the Gossamer Green Faerie. Gurdonark will not judge those who do post quiz results, and will frequently, in a show of fellow feeling, post quiz results where amusing in the comments of those who do. Gurdonark will also freely confess in writing, by e mail, where asked that Gurdonark sometimes takes the quiz just to see the answer, but never posts it.

3. Gurdonark warrants and guarantees that when Gurdonark is posting about counting hawks, this is not a secret metaphor for picking jurors or sizing up barflies.
While all metaphors are not clearly defined, they require only rudimentary gifts to understand. Use of extensive novel-like portions are best, in Gurdonark's view, left for the as-yet-unstarted journal gurdonstory. Gurdonark's journal reflects the actual life of an overweight 45 year old married lawyer, poet and hiker from suburban north Texas, and is not the secret longings of a dance diva in hiding in the raver alley of a remote city in Uzbekistan.

4. Gurdonark has literally heard almost of it all at one time or another, and thus will use the phrase "my goodness" from time to time in the comments solely as an indication that "I am hunting for a two word phrase, non-obscene and non-sequitur". Gurdonark warrants that "my goodness" does not secretly mean "man, you're screwed", "I am shocked", or even "don't you think I'm sexy?".

5. Gurdonark warrants that he has an actual interest in each of his 140 some odd interests, and warrants that he has inexpertly done most of them, except that he recognizes that the term "done" would not be appropriate as to the various female celebrities listed on his interests list, about whom he would say he remains "gnomic" if he were for sure what that word means, and instead merely says "no comment", which is a metaphor for "he implies nothing because there is nothing to imply".

6. Gurdonark warrants that he prefers to abide by the comment preferences of each journalist on this friends' list; however, this warranty is limited by the fact that he, being of regrettably limited intuition, finds himself sometimes confused by people who are offended by phrases such as "well, the Post Office is not always Satan", "I understand where you are coming from, although on this one subpoint I understand where your boss is coming from when she doesn't want you to use Roundup to kill the premium office cacti, notwithstanding your preference for dried stems", and especially that awful, negative phrase, "I agree with you". Gurdonark will recognize, where possible, that some journals prefer only the comment "It's going to be all right", and will work on adding this phrase to "my goodness" in his repertoire. He will also admit in writing, upon request, that he knows little, and sees far less than all.

7. Gurdonark will not use frienditto, but reserves and disclaims that he reserves the right to eat Fritos.

8. Gurdonark warrants that his journal is a relatively free discussion zone, open to dissenting opinions and silliness of all kinds, but limits that warranty in cases of obvious unkindness, needless trollery (a limited exception may be carved for amusing trollery) or spam advertisements for adult sites or cellular telephones. In particular, this is a place where people of many faiths and politics gather, and Gurdonark, being fairly much in the middle on many issues, but radically not in the middle on a few, is far too boring to de-friend merely because he is as willing to make an amusing comment about Ms. Clinton as about Mr. DeLay, and similarly, finds people of all faiths and no faith of endless interest and yet worthy, in situ, of the routine bit of humour sometimes.

9. Gurdonark warrants that this is a lurker-safe zone, and that people may read the posts here without fear of reprisal, need to comment, or worries about how the person reading will "look". Gurdonark knows much and sees more, but worries little. Gurdonark welcomes, however, comments and e-mails, and likes to make new friends both in and out of LJ. Gurdonark loves to hear from old friends who stumble upon this journal.

10. Gurdonark warrants, where possible, not to use 1 word when 3 will do better.

11. Gurdonark warrants that he reads far more times than he comments, and he comments far fewer times than a post impresses him.

12. Gurdonark warrants that he has a life outside LiveJournal, but promises it is ordinary, busy, and reasonably happy, and requires the requisite hard work and acceptance of human lot which makes it no more or less enviable than most.

13. Gurdonark warrants that he thinks kind thoughts about LJ friends even when they are not at hand.

14. Gurdonark warrants that he will sometimes post his picture in this medium, not so much out of "look at me" vanity, but to reassure the reader that Gurdonark is not a ghost in the machine (and, conversely, that he is anything but Cary Grant, other than weighing enough to be a Cary Grant and a half).

15. Gurdonark's politics are left of those to the left of him, and right of those to the right of him, but within a fairly broad band, Gurdonark warrants that this is not a politics-litmused journal. Actually, on re-read, number 15. is backwards and confusing, which means this must well and truly be a warranty document.

16. Gurdonark warrants that he will let everyone know if he starts any communities, but not be disappointed if nobody joins.

17. Gurdonark warrants that he welcomes e mail, IMs and snail mail contacts, subject to the limitation that at given days and times Gurdonark must say "can't talk now--still at the office", "I'm in the middle of a 3 minute chess game" or "burrito time!".

18. Gurdonark warrants that although he will sometimes join in memes, he tries to alter memes or start his own, because Gurdonark believes in change and dynamism.

19. Gurdonark warrants that he does not look to anyone here to buy, love, mail or solder anything Gurdonark is, sells or wants.

20. Gurdonark warrants that he values kindness more than wit, wit more than herd instinct, and love over all.

This WARRANTY is GOVERNED by the law of the STATE OF SERENITY, and is enforceable not as a legal obligation but as a state of mind. This warranty extends to readers, lurkers, friends and even opposing counsel. Remedies under this warranty upon breach are limited to, at Gurdonark's option: (1) 1 fried pie, flavor of Gurdonark's choosing; (2) a typewritten apology, no vellum required, or (3) cost of repair.

This warranty is not an exclusive statement of the reader's rights, but just something to ease troubled waters in a time wihtout bridges. Nothing in this warranty limits Gurdonark from asking, satirically, "WHEN are you going to finish that story or poem?" or from commenting, as ever, "I know you just posted this story about your life's most important thing. But could you explain this HUGE thing I completely missed 25 posts ago?".


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