Robert (gurdonark) wrote,
Robert
gurdonark

on being good at some things, but not at others, and wanting to have it all


When I purchased my 4-track "old technology" recording studio on eBay a few weeks back, it came in the box for a much nicer 8-Track digital multi-tracker studio. My eBay seller wisely elected to ship me her old studio in the box for her new studio.
The box was quite sturdy, and entirely useful for the purpose, but it awakens in me each time I see it a desire to scale up.

Actually, though, lately I think about how much fun it would be to have a cheap freeware synthesizer, designed for children. I think it would be great if I could make music without "recording" it, but by using a program to compose it, and then the program would produce or send me MP3s or .wav files of the synthesizer sounds I just composed. It would be a way to escape tape hiss and sonic impurities.

The fun thing about software is that I know that John Q. Public in Elmwood, Manitoba has posted just the program I want in some very obscure freeware/shareware site, and it's waiting for me to discover it. Google should get to work on the "Google Shareware" engine. On the other hand, this is what I like about the internet. There's that sense that around every corner there's something unexpected and wonderful to discover. I love obscure little websites, amateur software and home pages about curious things.

Although I've made the first progress on getting my spare room in order, I will spend a fair bit of today trying to make the progress more visible. Dragons would not be dragons if they were easy to kill. They might instead be geckos. Today I'll begin pricing the aquarium stand I'll need for my new aquariums. I had a dream in which one of the aquariums I bought turned out to be cracked, but I'm glad that this was only a dream. It would be interesting, now that I think about it, if dragons did exist, but were the victims of environmental misunderstanding.

Lately I think about trying to do things that I can do, rather than trying to set up projects in which I must stretch so much to accomplish something that I never in fact accomplish anything. Let me illustrate:
a. I can play the mountain dulcimer on a "noter" basis, where one I just play the melody of songs one note at a time (curiously, this is the "right" way to play in terms of historical accuracy) because I fundamentally can already do that and just need to work on song tempi, but to learn to "chord" it properly, I'd have to stretch and devote a lot of my time to it. Similarly, I can "chord" the autoharp for songs and fun, but if I wanted to "note" it, that, too, would require a devotion I don't feel;
b. I can do simple sketches and photographs, and they work fine for mail art. Yet I seem to acquire all sorts of things not necessary to sketching or simple photography, in an effort to be "different" or "complex". I do much better with cheap cameras,
some corrugated plastic border/mailing cards, and a collection of dollar store colored pencils. Result? Spare room full of stuff.
c. I can write poetry which I can submit for publication and sometimes get published.
I enjoy doing it. Yet, I am much more apt to daydream about other writing projects
that are more complicated for me to do and thus I never tackle, but instead only live in the daydream.
d. I sometimes impose on myself budgetary restrictions which make tasks much more difficult to perform than if I just spent fifty dollars or a hundred dollars here or there. It's as if I not only have to do something, but I have to do it for pennies.
e. I know at least 10 places that are nearby familiar hikes, and another 10 that are not far distant but would be easy to go hike, and yet I am always thinking about a great hike I'd like to take, but never quite taking it.
f. I am a reasonably good chess player, and I enjoy playing chess, and yet I find ways to not pursue this hobby. I convince myself that a particular tournament would take too long to play in, and I managed to misplace the open book examination to move up to the next level of chess tournament director, thwarting my ability to organize tournaments on my own schedule. I liked that I ran two tournaments, though both only attracted 4 entrants, but I am puzzled that I don't pursue this more in depth. I'd love to see if I am a B for life, or if I could ascend someday to expert rating. Chess comes easily to me--but I don't pursue it. In my mind, I should study and get involved in it and take time for it. In fact, I have the most fun when I just play for fun, and my rating always improves most when I am having fun.

December is a good month to focus on change. It's so easy to defer that to January, when it can become a part of resolutions one never keeps. But in December, I want to focus on doing the things I do well as well as daydreaming about the things I wish to learn to do.
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