Robert (gurdonark) wrote,
Robert
gurdonark

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Gerbil Theology

1. Existential gerbilism
a. every gerbil stands alone before god;
b. alternatively, every gerbil agonizes
that there is no god, and being a gerbil
is all there is;
c. some few gerbils achieve a radical
freedom from their fears, and become
fully actualized gerbils, chewing wood
unfettered by fear.

2. Gerbil Process Theology
a. God is not a substance or being,
like a gerbil is, but is instead
an endless becoming, less a statement
that I AM a God of gerbils than
a statement that God Becomes,
rather like an endlessly
growing Habitrail.

3. Gerbil New Thought
a. If a gerbil becomes one with what we
call Creative Rodent Mind, all manners
of seeds and nuts may thereby result
from the force of positive thinking;
b. There is no illness, merely mistaken
gerbils.

4. Eastern Gerbil Mysticism
a. Gerbils are on a wheel of life,
which spins round and round,
through their many rotations;
b. Eventually, a gerbil may break
the cycle of pellets and droppings, and merge
with a great oversoul, which we call
Atgerbil;
c. All whiskers are clouded by desire
for sunflower seeds, like a mirror by dust.

5. Fundamentalist Gerbility
a. The holy scriptures are literally
and inerrantly true in every sense,
especially when they admonish gerbils
to "be fruitful and multiply";
b. Gerbils are indeed stewards of the
earth's lesser creatures;
c. If two gerbils started on the ark,
how many were there in forty days
and forty nights (one reason why
actuarial science is a required
part of the master's of divinity,
gerbil division, degree program).

6. Baha'gerbilism
a. The earth is one country, and
gerbils are everywhere;
b. Each prophet speaks a message
to gerbils appropriate to their
time and place;
c. If all gerbils would simply
join hands, there's be a heck of
a lot of gerbils linked end to end.

7. Unitarian/unigerbilism
a. We must all tolerate the way each
gerbil chews its seeds;
b. We may worship with gerbils of
all faiths, creeds, and cages,
so long as no gerbil requires one creed
from another;
c. When gerbils from faiths that do
not permit remarriage after divorce
are in need, we have a chapel ready.
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