1. Existential gerbilism a. every gerbil stands alone before god; b. alternatively, every gerbil agonizes that there is no god, and being a gerbil is all there is; c. some few gerbils achieve a radical freedom from their fears, and become fully actualized gerbils, chewing wood unfettered by fear. 2. Gerbil Process Theology a. God is not a substance or being, like a gerbil is, but is instead an endless becoming, less a statement that I AM a God of gerbils than a statement that God Becomes, rather like an endlessly growing Habitrail. 3. Gerbil New Thought a. If a gerbil becomes one with what we call Creative Rodent Mind, all manners of seeds and nuts may thereby result from the force of positive thinking; b. There is no illness, merely mistaken gerbils. 4. Eastern Gerbil Mysticism a. Gerbils are on a wheel of life, which spins round and round, through their many rotations; b. Eventually, a gerbil may break the cycle of pellets and droppings, and merge with a great oversoul, which we call Atgerbil; c. All whiskers are clouded by desire for sunflower seeds, like a mirror by dust. 5. Fundamentalist Gerbility a. The holy scriptures are literally and inerrantly true in every sense, especially when they admonish gerbils to "be fruitful and multiply"; b. Gerbils are indeed stewards of the earth's lesser creatures; c. If two gerbils started on the ark, how many were there in forty days and forty nights (one reason why actuarial science is a required part of the master's of divinity, gerbil division, degree program). 6. Baha'gerbilism a. The earth is one country, and gerbils are everywhere; b. Each prophet speaks a message to gerbils appropriate to their time and place; c. If all gerbils would simply join hands, there's be a heck of a lot of gerbils linked end to end. 7. Unitarian/unigerbilism a. We must all tolerate the way each gerbil chews its seeds; b. We may worship with gerbils of all faiths, creeds, and cages, so long as no gerbil requires one creed from another; c. When gerbils from faiths that do not permit remarriage after divorce are in need, we have a chapel ready.