Robert (gurdonark) wrote,
Robert
gurdonark

  • Music:

driving oneself sane

"You ask about the woman apart from music. Well, music is my life, it's impossible to separate the two".--Claire Fitch

This morning I imagine different lives I could have constructed. I like those novels in which each choice one makes gives rise to a different alternative universe, so that somewhere in a different choice-line, I am a college professor, or a safety engineer, or a school teacher.

I like escapist films and novels, in moderation, but I've always found that the imagination provides better escape than any fiction or "reality show". I suppose that I am supposed to write that I wouldn't trade my life for anything, but that always seems beside the point. I don't understand my life to be subject to barter.

I do not have a one-track approach to my goals and dreams. I never really have.
I think that's a strong point in many ways, as I've noticed that, contrary to popular rumour, the person of many interests frequently has an easier time than the person of one obsession.

Sometimes I notice the shallowness of my fantasies. The Mitty moments give all sorts of useful superficial fulfillment, but not any real meaning. This is a concern to me, but also a comfort. It's not as though I see some road not taken in my mind down which I would drive into a more useful life.

I learn, a bit, from people driven by a difficult goal, though. I have a soft spot in my heart for the person who self-identifies "I am a poet", "I am an artist", or "I am a writer". I do not subscribe to the wish-fulfillment philosophy that one becomes whatever one wishes oneself to become. But I do think that some folks are afraid to have goals and a mission, when sometimes a mission, or at least a few goals, are all that saves one.

I am an attorney. It's something I worked hard to get to do. It's something I focus upon a great deal. It's always so easy to disown what one is, and daydream of what is not. But I can live without the daydreams. I can just be what I am. Perhaps the rail really is a monorail, and I've just got to keep riding into some magic kingdom.

I think that there's a feeling, like the feeling of a tire hitting dry pavement, that one longs for. That feeling of traction, of connection. That feeling that rather than wheels spinning in mud, they are moving down the road. I think that
focusing on that feeling is a critical thing. This morning I got up and worked because I could not sleep. I got that feeling of tire on pavement. I love the crunch of the road.
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