Thank you for submitting your application to live life to Gurdonark Properties. I am pleased to inform you that your application has been approved. I have taken the liberty of enclosing herein the lease form for your new Lease on Life. Please review it, and, if you wish to execute it, please note your acceptance in the comments.
I am, as ever, your humble servant.
This Lease (hereinafter, "the Lease") is entered into as of the date shown below, and authorizes each of you as tenant of your own lives (hereinafter, the "Lessee") to exercise a leasehold interest in your own thoughts and hopes and dreams, not to mention your own follies and inessentials. The grantor of these rights (hereinafter, the "Lessee") transfers this title "AS IS", as set forth more particularly hereinbelow.
1. The property transferred by this instrument (henceforth, "The Premises") shall comprise and be constituted of a leasehold interest in the Lessee's personal data, hope and dreams, and shall include all the random notions (hereinafter, "the Notions"), chance nuggets of wisdom (hereinafter "the Wisdom"), shameless displays of emotion (hereafter, the "Shameless"), and needless weblog links to world wide web resources (hereinafter "the Needless"). This instrument shall not purport to demise to Lessor any material comforts, physical attributes or means of living, as to which Lessee agrees and covenants to procure by such side contracts with employers, spouses, vendors and friends as Lessee, in Lessee's sole discretion, may choose.
COVENANT OF QUIET ENJOYMENT
2. Lessor hereby covenants that Lessee shall have quiet enjoyment of the Premises, including, without limitation, the Notions, the Wisdom, the Shameless and the Needless; provided, however, that Lessor undertakes no duty to remove, by forcible detainer or otherwise, any demons which already occupy the Premises, and Lessor further does not represent or warrant that Lessee shall be safe from Lessee's own lingering wistful longing (hereafter, "the Personal Nonsense").
USE OF DEMISED PREMISES
3. Lessee covenants that the Premises shall be used only for the purposes of:
SEEKING OUT INDIVIDUAL MEANING, INCESSANT COMPASSION, LITERARY SELF-GRATIFICATION, ONGOING QUESTING AND PERSONAL WANDERING
and for no other purposeS, without the written consent of Lessor, which consent shall not be unreasonably withheld; provided, however, in no event is Lessor required to consent to any use of the Premises for illegal, self-destructive or unpleasurably immoral purposes. Lessee warrants that Lessee shall not transport minors across states of mind, and that Lessee shall further ensure that any wilted floral products are appropriately disposed in the proper facility.
This Lease shall commence on May 9, 2004, and shall terminate automatically twenty one years after Lessee's departure from this mortal coil.
The rent pursuant to this Lease shall be one peppercorn, payable in cash, due upon entry into this Lease.
RULES AND REGULATIONS APPLICABLE TO THIS LEASE
Lessee agrees to abide by the following Rules and Regulations in Lessee's use of the Premises:
a. Lessee agrees not to trade in, accept or bargain for any currency, including, but not limited to, coinage, as to which (a) the value of the currency is represented to be five cents (whether in United States currency or Canadian currency) and (b) the currency in issue, whether coin or mere round tuit, is made of tree-derived products, whether wood, plywood, paper or fiberboard;
b. Lessee promises to smile at least once in a great long while during Lessee's occupation of the Premises;
c. Lessee shall endeavor, where possible, to abstain from utilizing any pesticide products, toxic chemicals or drain clearing agents in close proximity of other
similarly situated lessees' Notions, Wisdom, Shameless and Needless.
d. Lessee shall endeavor to leave the Premises in as close to "broom clean" condition as Lessee receives such Premises as of the date of this Agreement, save only ordinary wear and tear.
e. Lessee shall endeavor to limit pet Notions such that the Wisdom inherent in such Notions shall outweigh the Shameless quality of such Notions. Pet Notions or the unfettered Shameless which are self-destructive, self-aggrandizing, or indicative of excessive envy-causing physical ecstasy may require a separate pet Notions or deposit, or a separate Shameless addendum.
f. Lessee shall limit pontification to no more space in the Premises than Lessee's weblog, any stray note pads, and no more than fifty percent of all conversations with relatives, lovers and friends.
g. Lessee shall not allow the Personal Nonsense to impair or impede the full enjoyment of the Premises.
Lessor may supplement or amend the Rules and Regulations on thirty days notice by
subsequent regulations document (scuh regulations to be referred to hereinafter, as "the Arbitrary Pettiness").
EVENTS OF DEFAULT
Lessee shall be in default of this Lease without the necessity for notice if any of the following occur:
a. Lessee shall channel more alien presences than the Premises can hold; provided, however, that Lessee may have no more than two (2) guests per month, each to limit the stay to a maximum of five (5) stays per month;
b. Lessee shall seek to needlessly impose upon Lessee or any similarly situated lessees any personal strictures, negative self-esteem, or other similar rules or detriments, such rights being reserved solely to Lessor as part of Lessor's prerogative to issue "the Arbitrary Pettiness". In particular, Lessee shall take no action which makes Lessee's life needlessly harder than it must be, other than, conforming Lessee's Wisdom and Notions to conform with (a) reality or (b) a pseudo-reality comprehensible to Lessor;
c. Lessee shall fail to pay the peppercorn in rent; or
d. Lessee shall use the Premises for a use not permitted in this Agreement.
e. Lessor shall park the Personal Nonsense out on the street, in a designated parking area.
Lessee agrees that failure to Lessor to declare a default upon any breach of this Agreement shall not waive the right to declare default as to any further breach of this Agreement.
REMEDIES UPON DEFAULT
Without limiting any remedy otherwise available at common law or by statute, Lessee hereby consents to each of the following remedies, or all of such remedies, upon occurrence of an act of default:
a. personal reassurance or assertion of opinion in a weblog comment;
b. Lessor may require Lessee to attend to Lessor's weblog posts; provided, however, that Lessor will use the cut-tag when, in Lessor's estimation, the post will run longer than the entire thread of human existence;
c. a "hey, are you okay?" e mail; an e mail suggesting plans, schemes and enterprises; a postcard, or random thoughts reflecting generalized good wishes;
d. infliction of printed poetry matter or tuneless musical CDs; or
e. in the event of Lessee's persistent declination to ensure that Lessee realizes Lessee's personal gifts, and the innate beauty of Lessee's Wisdom, Notions, Shameless and Needless, Lessor shall have the right, after due notice, to exclaim "My goodness!", and Lessee shall and hereby does release Lessor as to any collateral damage thereby caused.
LESSEE HEREBY RELEASES LESSOR FROM ANY CLAIM, DEMAND, LONGING OR CAUSE OF ACTION ARISING FROM LESSEE'S USE OF LESSEE'S OWN PREMISES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, ANY STUPID COMMENT WHICH LESSOR MAY WRITE IN LESSEE'S WEBLOG. LESSEE AGREES THAT LESSEE'S REMEDY IS LIMITED TO IGNORING LESSOR.
This Agreement is governed by the laws of the State of Mind, and venue for any action shall lie solely in the heart.
Lessee shall be responsible for compliance with any applicable local laws, including compliance with relevant zoning laws , any toxic waste regulations, and any necessary feeding or watering of the Notions. Lessor may offer an actual or metaphoric handkerchief, in Lessor's sole discretion, on a case by case basis, but in no event shall Lessor have the duty to provide handi-wipes or linen to assist Lessee in dealing with the Shameless. Lessee agrees to look to Lessee's own resources in dealing with the Shameless and the Needless. Lessee promises to keep the Premises in good order, and to occupy them gracefully.
Lessee acknowledges that this Agreement is a leasehold interest on life only, and not life itself. Lessee covenants to take such other steps, at Lessee's sole expense and discretion, to live a life in such cool and absurd manners as Lessee finds most congenial.
In particular, Lessee agrees that Lessee's weblog (and, for that matter, Lessor's weblog) is not a life, but merely one step in the acquisition of same, and Lessee covenants to acquire, by conveyance or adverse possession, such life as Lessee may obtain, using reasonable commercial diligence, acting in accordance with prevailing market conditions.
This Lease is therefore entered into on on this 9th day of May, 2004.