Robert (gurdonark) wrote,

The Secret of Being Unread, Revealed

I notice how many LiveJournal webloggers make their posts "friends only". This seems to me to keep from the world the inner thoughts of millions, when those thoughts should be shared. I think that there's a better solution: protect your privacy by making posts which receive no comments. Tonight I pondered my posts that failed to get comments. How does one fail to get comments? Well, let me share my experience, in hope that we can detect patterns, and protect privacy. I have drafted some really cool awful unread posts, so I speak from true experience. I grant you that zillions of weblog entries don't get comments, but my theory is that only really pretentious ones don't get read at all. Read on for how to protect your privacy without resorting to software tricks!

"The compleat guide to pretentious, unread posts--a new way to be able to post everything publicly without fear of being read"

First of all, put an astrological reference in the middle of a post about "indescrible vision". Write about late night air flights. Write a sentence which says "the problem arises with paradigm". By all means, write bad poetry. Lots of it. Ponder metaphysically about herons and George Harrison while recounting nature walks. Profoundly hurtle your bicycle down a tall hill. Be sure to write about your ponderous theories about the music business. In general, get lost in the "details, details, details".

Don't neglect the classics: San Francisco Thai girl groups; and Uriah Heep; also, try off-the-cuff politics if you value your unread state of privacy; never forget the value of ponderous discussions of music as sound. Be sure you write densely packed bursts of allusions, without splitting them into paragraphs.

Still stumped on how to do it? try a rave review of a Barry Manilow concert or, if all else fails, just cursorily point out the trivia with which you fill your day. Soon you'll get the hang of it, and you won't have to make your posts friends-only.
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