Robert (gurdonark) wrote,

big, fat elementary school pencil

In first grade, our class wrote with those oversize pencils with the huge leads. I kept imagining that once I "graduated" to regular number 2 thin leads, I'd really be able to do more mature things. I had similar imaginings about
being able to reach the top of a door jamb without jumping,
about riding a bike across town, about driving, and about various and sundry other things.

Now I have all the things I imagined would make me mature,
but I still feel, sometimes, as if I'm gripping that huge, fat, oversize pencil, trying to make those giant letter "A" markings. Those big letter "A" marks looked, with hindsight, like prefab Colorado frame chalets, except that in Colorado they don't get the lines as crooked.

I think that the main casualty of my thirties was the sense that someplace, somewhere, an intelligentsia had it all figured out just right. From the time I accepted that I am a second-rate mind, I've always thought that the first-rate minds must have some secrt moxie I lack. That's not quite the same as saying God is in His Heaven, but it's pretty close to saying all's right with the world.

Now I no longer feel that there's some group of insiders that have it all down pat. The people who keep telling us that they are those insiders prove wanting in almost every way. I looked for Diogenes, and all I found was flashlight manufactureres. That means the things I write, and everyone writes, with those giant yellow pencils, is about as good as the lettering gets. That's cool, and scary, and an awesome responsibilty.

  • Swoop and Fall

    I worked a tad late tonight. I picked us up grilled chicken sandwiches "no mayo, no cheese" at Hat Creek. The 4th blitz tournament I…

  • Filling and Thrashing

    I went to the dentist late this afternoon to get two fillings done. I went to high school with my dentist. He dents well. On our neighborhood walk…

  • New Life

    Over the weekend the American Robins in the nest atop the brick window alcove on our back patio hatched from their eggs. We can see them from the…

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded