July 19th, 2004

abstract butterfly

sleepy self-esteem

I slept a lot this weekend. I felt Sunday as though this wasted free time. I feel rested now, though. I exercised less than on the ordinary weekend. Tonight I hope to get additional exercise to "even things up" on that score.

I spent yesterday evening reading materials related to the new microsound community. As near as I can figure out, it's a good way to do music with an understanding of the virtues of accident and error. I like that whole Ipswich School of Art celebration of the mistake in the experience, so I am all for it, as far as I understand it. I'm interested in different ways people approach the different things that interest them.

I wish I could hook up a self-doubt monitor, and see how often it corresponds to times when I need more rest. I know that when I work or do something interesting, my self-doubt all but fades. But when I sit and wonder what people think of me, then it increases. It's amazing to me what elaborate formulae and theories I can create to ponder whether I offended x or said the wrong thing to y. I conclude sometimes that self-doubt is a time-killer for me, a hobby less appealing than, say, raising thrips or carving mahogany-colored totems out of environmentally-acceptable pinewood. I am grateful, I suppose, that I make choices not particuarly geared to make me "fit in", but disappointed that sometimes I realize that a bit keenly.

I see the LJ "secret crush" quiz is back. I did not participate in the last version of this quiz, and then I rather think I remember the quiz-meisters starting to sell the results to people. I suppose, like many people, it would be fun to know that someone has a secret crush on me. The knowledge, though, renders it all oxymoronic. I am in some sympathy with my LJ friend who proclaimed having a secret crush on her entire friends' list. I think that I will abstain from this secret crush poll, at least at present, as it's fun sometimes to live in the mystery. Besides, if I wish to proclaim crushes, I like to think that I could do it other than with a matching poll. At my current phase in life, crushes have an element of the theoretical anyway, and my time is probably better spent just making friends.

Last year at this time, I was swamped in work. This week I am very busy yet again.
Summer is not traditionally a lawyer's "busy season", but it is almost always mine. I do not know why, but I do not mind at all. It's good to have work to do. My law firm just crossed its four year anniversary. It seems like yesterday I was driving our dogs across the desert, returning to Texas from California. It was day before yesterday, some twenty years ago, that I was about to take the bar examination. It all moves so quickly.