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December 18th, 2003

after the rain

"Last night was a big rain. I found myself searching again--for something inside me, that no-one else can give or take away"--old Sara Hickman song

That fellow Poe's poem about pondering "weak and weary" always seemed to me use such an obvious phrase as to be inherently likable; I particularly like that it rhymes with "midnight dreary". I also like that U2 song about how the narrator still hasn't found what he's looking for. If one then juxtaposes the old Indigo Girls song about how the less one thinks about the profundities, the closer one is to fine, then the entire introspection circuit is looped into neat half-hitches.

I find great comfort in the phrase--"I know what I need to do". I suppose it can be a burden, having an expectation of oneself. But for me, casting about uncertainly is a far greater burden.

I take my ease in the certainties I devise in my life. I do not imagine myself particularly driven by a certain Fate. I instead see my life as things I can do, and things I must do. I always heard that "should" and "ought" are tremendous burdens, and in my life, I've certainly used "should" and "ought" as an alternative to "did" and "can".

But sometimes it's a matter of defining some small things one can do, and then do them. I can't save the world. Perhaps I can run a few dolls up at the toy store and get them to toys for tots. I can't be everyone to everybody. But I can be a better one to the people in my life.

I love to play to my strengths. I can be contented, and I can see the path forward. That's a tremendous gift. But I also know the to find my restorations in the sight of a big rain streaking down a prairie sky, or the last maple leaves turning flaming red. It's so tempting to dream this life away. But there are things to be seen, and done.




as December wanes.