November 9th, 2003

abstract butterfly

if only

A stray thought crossed my mind this morning about "what if" I'd treated my schooling more seriously. I notice that I fall prey to "what if I'd done x" type thinking more often these days. I think that's on some level natural and not a bad thing--it's a kind of no-frills hobby, which results in far fewer pin-pricks than needlework. Still, I think that I tend to romanticize things which I have not even experienced. I wish, sometimes, to flash forward through options, rather like having alternative lives on a ViewMaster, with the little set-piece pictures all done and in 3-D. But it's easier to daydream about hypothetical choices in lives not lived than to do the real things one faces in one's own life. I do not live my life in regret very often--I just have a kind of wistful "what if x" thing sometimes. But maybe a better way of looking at things might be "what if today I do what I mean to do?". Then I can see what the ifs all amount to be.