February 23rd, 2003

abstract butterfly

Tales of the Dark Side

A few folks suggested to me that it would be interesting to read about my "dark side". I thought this a very good idea, but I found, to my surprise, that it is a very hard thing for me to write in public some of my flaws. The very fact that it was hard, though, made me come to believe that it was an effort worth undertaking. Why be a chamber of secrets? What do I gain?

I remembered that I had made a New Year's resolution for my journal to start a side journal in which I explored more self- consciously "literary" things. I still intend to do that, but I realized that perhaps my "dark side" is really another journal. Accordingly, my new journal, gurdondark has been created. I intend this journal to contain "100 Tales about Gurdonark's Dark Side". I have written the first four "tales", which sit in the journal now, waiting to be read. I plan to interpret "dark side" broadly, including in my 100 Tales stories of flaws and faults, wrongs and maladjustment. It will be heavily edited in its own way, as all journals are, but I am going to try to tell this journal things I don't like to tell anyone. The journal in which I write now is intended to be by its definition a kind of musical comedy. gurdondark is intended to be a bit about what happens when the music isn't playing.

I have paused a good bit about filtration on the second journal. At first, I thought it would be best to keep it private until all 100 tales are finished. But this could take months, and I am not sure the reader gets a corresponding gain. I thought about making it friends only, but frankly, a lot of my LJ friends are not real life friends, and any filtration to "friends only" would not really enhance fundamental privacy all that much. I see little point in filtering it down to my four or five real life friends, as some good number of my LJ friends I consider "as if" they were "real life" friends, perhaps rightly, perhaps wrongly. If I wished to say these things only to "real life" friends, I would phone or e mail them.

So I elected, whether good or ill, to make gurdondark a public set of posts, at least for now. I may edit, delete or filter later. I also decided to let folks know about it, even though I am have completed but 4 of 100 posts along the way. I enabled comments, so that it is just a routine journal, in a darker vein. I expect that it will contain some stuff that is quite dark and some stuff barely dusk-ish. But the notion of writing highly confessional negative material intrigues (and disturbs) me, so I will open it to others, in case anyone wishes to read. I have pre-edited to preserve privacy, but I think that most meanings will be clear.

I know ahead of time that my "dark side" is not that dark, and yet that parts will surprise those who know me. So look if you will--but be prepared to be either bored, or rudely awakened. I know that I have been awake for hours working on this new journal. It's not quick writing for me, and that tells me something, right there.