August 6th, 2002

abstract butterfly

hesitation v. intuition

Over-thinking. The endless examination of possibility upon possibility. The working out of permutations. The drawing of inference from thin air, the reading of nothing as everything. I hate that gnawing sense that my mind is in overdrive,
and that I am glued to the wrong issues.

I much prefer intuition. The effortless awareness of what is coming next. The way in which the answer appears, just like the Holy Grail. The way in which all life is an endless implication, rich for my accurate inference. I love that redeeming sense that my mind is in overdrive, and that I skitter from right issue to right issue with a fluidity that a bat hunting insects possesses.

Today I feel a bit anxious, leaden and overthunk.
Tomorrow morning maybe I'll watch the 6 a.m.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer re-run. That must be a better expenditure of my time than endless "what if" thinking.

I do love it, though, when I read five year old correspondence, and what I actually said is what I think I said. That makes me feel so....intuitive.