June 27th, 2002

abstract butterfly

that moment I become lost

I love that flow, in a meeting, when I can forget for a moment all the things about which I hesitate and feel self-conscious. I love to be in a world of ideas and analyses, where I can live "within the construct", "become" the idea in some zen way. It's not important that my niche is an arcane one, or that I am a tool for solving a particular narrow form of problem. It doesn't matter that others have more genius, or more financial success, or more charm, or more of that simple person to person interconnection that is not native to me. What matters is that I have something I can do, and when I do it, I can step inside the problem I am solving, make it my own problem for a moment, and then watch it dissolve.
I wish I could say that work is always like this for me. It's not. But when I step into that place--as if I were stepping into our home as a child and I feel the wave of friendly air conditioning--I wonder how I ever left, and why. Maybe this is merely a way of escape, or another instance of ego disguised as enlightenment (and heaven knows enlightenment is not one of my best discussion topics). All I know is that for that single moment I am connected and belong, and I like that feeling.